It has been two years now since I was in a contracted performing gig. I am a member of "Actor's Equity Association." It's a coveted place to be for many in the theatre world. It opens the world of professional auditioning and pay, etc. etc. etc. I am proud of my membership in it. I worked to get there, and that silly little card that I carry around with me everywhere says, "Yes, Amy. You are a professional."
I work at a preschool/dance studio. I work at a bridal store. I teach musical theatre classes. But my PROFESSION is that of performer. And I love it.
Now let me remind you, again, that it has been two years since I have had a professional contract. It's been two years since I have performed at all. (Minus some concerts here and there that I have been SO grateful for.)
I live in Utah. The world of professional theatre is limited here. Almost all of the theatres here do not work with Actors Equity contracts. (Pioneer, Tuacahn, and a few others being the exceptions...) So far, attempts at getting my foot in the door of pro Utah theatre, for whatever reason, have been futile (granted, I have only tried twice... but still...) It has been discouraging.
So what's the dilemma? I haven't performed in two years. The world of semi pro and community theatre here in Utah is glorious. My time spent at the Hale theatres in Orem and West Valley are times I hold dear to my heart. I LOVE performing there. I feel happy when I am performing there.
But I take great pride in the fact that I am a PROFESSIONAL. I love to think that if I CHOSE to do big things, (that would require me to leave Utah and my hubby and house), I absolutely could. I know I could. But I really love my husband and my house. And my cat. My life.
Performing is the only way I know how to make GOOD money. What if I really NEED to do that again? Gah.
What is all this about? I'm kind of at a crossroads. To my fellow "pros": You probably think I am crazy for even considering giving up that professional status. To my lifelong friends/LDS mommies: The dilemma may be hard to understand, and the answer obvious.
Do I give up that little card that I feel gives me credibility and a sense of accomplishment just so I can actually DO what I want to? Do I live my life- the one that I love- at home (hubby, babies, the "norm") and perform "on the side" at the theatres around here I adore? And how do I find peace and fulfillment in that without any regret?
Thoughts? Comments of how crazy I am (on either side of the issue)?
(I have a few friends who will find this post a broken record. . . I am processing things. It's a work in progress.)
7 comments:
Gotta figure out what you want to do, huh?
Having that validation of your ability is hard to give up. Not that you lose your ability by giving up your membership (or whatever it may be)... it's just nice to know that you have been given recognition for the hard work you did to get there and that you are indeed GREAT!
That being said... at the same time, is it keeping you from doing the very thing you love? Hmmmm...
I guess my question is this: What are YOU personally getting out of having that little card in your wallet? Is the benefit of having it greater than what you could have without it?
If it's just the recognition that's hard to let go of, my suggestion is this: Cancel the membership, let yourself be able to do what you want, and keep that little card (or a copy of it if you can't keep the original) as a reminder to yourself that you have already accomplished that great thing in your life and that you were recognized for it. (I know this next part sounds bad... but I really mean it in the best way.) Don't let your pride in being recognized as a professional (and a very good one I might add) get in the way of doing what you want and ENJOYING what you love... that line of thinking is just going to make you miserable!!!
If keeping the membership is in anticipation of things to come, here are some more questions: How far out in the future is it that you plan to use it? How dedicated are you to that future in comparison to the future you have with your family and life in general? How do those two different futures mesh together for you? Could meshing even happen? If those futures could mesh... do you think you would be pleased with the longterm outcome of it? If you canceled your membership now, is it something that you can re-establish in the future? (I obviously know very little about the "Actor's Equity Association")
How long do you plan on staying in Utah? What do you anticipate your life will be like when kiddos do show up on the scene? I understand how some may say that you can't have both. In my personal life I know that's true for THIS stage in my life. However, there are MANY stages in life and a time for everything... just not all at once.
BUT MY LIFE IS NOT YOUR LIFE!!!
You have to figure out what is best for you in your life... what will make you and your hubby happiest in your journey here on earth. The fact is that THERE WILL BE DISAPPOINTMENT AND REGRET NO MATTER WHAT YOU CHOOSE... THAT'S LIFE!!! But my point is to choose. Choose and do something. Choose and don't look back... because you can only change the future. Just promise me, and more importantly yourself, that you don't play the wait and see game for too long. Because if you play it for too long, your life will have passed.. WITHOUT YOU IN IT!!!
Love ya, Babe!!!
And oh yeah... we do need to get together for lunch or dinner or something! I didn't forget. I just need to get to the middle of June... between preping for a family wedding, school projects, end of year school programs/parties, out of town visitors, birthdays, and the normal everyday life of 4 kids, a hubby, a house, and church callings... I'm as busy as I am at Christmastime... without the fun music and decorations I might add. But I'm almost always available to talk on the phone while I'm getting things done! Call me anytime... I'll talk your ear off... or you can talk mine off!
Do whatever you feel is right. Only make sure you're happy and satisfied with your decision. Everything will work out how it's supposed to. :)
Let's try this again:
Basically - I don't know your intentions re: being a mom (whether you plan to work/stay home, having them sooner/later, etc.)
Also - I was never Equity. I got pregnant before I graduated. I went straight from being a student to being a mommy. So, I don't 100% understand the "attachment" to Equity status if you're not going to pursue it as your career above all else. But maybe that's because I don't have the little card in the first place. /shrug
My opinion? Keep the card until babies come along. You never know what opportunities can arise until then.
BUT - once mommyhood comes along, get rid of it. Down here in CA, we have "professional" opportunities all over the place. But, even if I was Equity, I still couldn't do it because the theatres' schedules and demands, etc. are just not cohesive with the Mommy lifestyle. Not a GOOD mommy, anyway.
Besides, once those little guys start to enter your life, your self-centered eagerness and drive will simmer a little. I'd be lying if I said motherhood fulfills you 100% (yeah - sometimes I cry. Sometimes it's painful not to be performing - just warning you). But that pain is almost all ego-driven, and pride does not become a mother. God will fill in the empty holes. I'm sure you know that about Him already. :)
I would give ANYTHING for places like the Hales & the SCERA. It would be MORE than enough. You'll be amazed at the humility that motherhood brings. You care less about yourself - and your ego will be fine with the "little shows." You won't need your name in lights anymore. Performing AT ALL becomes sufficient.
So, in short (too late), my $0.02? Keep the card for now. And then when you have kids, tear it up, and take any opportunity you can get - that DOESN'T take you from the primary, and more important, duty of your children.
Amy, you're asking all the wrong people. This is something totally between you, Chuck and the Lord. Take this to Him - He will guide you. You will know what to do if you ask him and listen. You will know what to do.
There - Love you, Mama Wilhelm
Allison's two cents:
Do not give up your equity card. Amy, you are gorgeous and really, really talented. It's harder to get that card back after giving it up than it was to get it in the first place and you DESERVE equity status.
I also think you do not give up performing. Contradiction? Nope. The fact is Utah theaters are little babies that think that they can get the same amount of talent and not pay people what they are worth. You ARE worth more and they should pay you more. I think you should continue to pursue working at Pioneer which is just as political as Hale, but just like Hale, when you're in, you're in. They also take equity contracts at the Egyptian in Park city. Don't give up. If you do, not only will people pay you less than you are worth, but you'll just encourage Utah theaters to continue to be cheap little babies.
I also think the next time you do a concert, you should invite the casting directors of Hale to come, so you can remind them what real performers look like, because there is a difference :) Utah theaters should start taking serious performers seriously.
Lastly, if you want a break from performing to have babies, you should apply for inactive status
http://www.actorsequity.org/docs/membership/mem_temp.pdf
(You may have to log in to see that). However, if you are performing, you should be getting paid what you are worth.
Okay, that's my opinion, but Susan above me is right, it's between you, Chuck and the Lord. Good luck with your decision.
I'm not an expert on Equity, but in my profession the sign that you've finally made it is getting your licence. The process takes about 10 years, minimum. Once you have that licence you then have to pay fees every year and take continuing education classes to renew it and keep it active. I think this is common with a lot of professionals.
After working for so long to finally be able to call myself a professional I can't image not keeping it active. Even if I wasn't working anymore I think I would still pay the money and take the classes.
Is it an ego thing? Probably. I like to say that I'm an Architect, even if all I'm doing is working as a janitor or at McDonalds I can say, "I'm an Architect!"
This is just my thinking right now. Like others have said this is really a decision for you, Super Chuck, and the Lord.
Keep it. You worked hard for it. Get rid of the what if's. You still need to be in Les Miz.
Have babies later. Tina Fey is pregnant and she's 40.
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