Lately, as I have learned what life is without rehearsals and scripts, false eyelashes and glue, and without an audible applause, I have found myself pondering the concept of BEING GOOD at something. I should, rather, say being REALLY good at something. I crave that. Though this post may seem absurd to some of you, it's something that is very real and tangible to me.
I don't feel that I'm REALLY GOOD at anything right now.
(Quick disclaimer: I am happy. My life is great- I don't post this to express problems or depressions or blah blah... I'm simply just writing my honest-to-gosh human emotions of the day.)
I've been stripped down to just me. For the past year there's been no "princess," no "Millie," no "insert-name-of-whatever-musical-character-here
For the first time in my adult life, I am trying to figure out who and what I am without being a serious musical theatre diva chick. And honestly, I'm not very good at figuring that out.
I want to be good at something. REALLY good at something.The further away I get from my life as a performer, I feel that the one thing that I AM really good at is drifting out of my grasp. I haven't auditioned now in a few YEARS. I hardly ever get myself up on a stage anymore. (This is a self-inflicted curse because I can't part with my beloved Equity card...) I don't really DO what I am best at much anymore.
So the challenge? Become really good at something else. I wish it was the piano. I wish it was cooking. I wish it was decorating. I wish it was SOMETHING. But I don't even know where to start.
Work.
Yeah. But sometimes all the work+wishing in the world still doesn't make you good at something... I guess that's what I am afraid of. I come from the world of, "You either got it, or you ain't..." (Thank you, Mama Rose). Sometimes I think I "ain't got it" in any other aspects of life.
I don't like being mediocre. It bugs me.
Its never been enough for me.
The end.
Another note: I realize how much I am setting myself up here... go ahead, say, "Be a REALLY GOOD MOMMY." I'm onto you people...
Love and happies to you all.
Monday, February 22, 2010
To Be "Really Good"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
How do you make a smiley face with a zippered mouth....?
Ha. That is why I love you, Tiffany. Ha ha.
Okay, this probably won't help much, but I just wanted to say that of all the people I've worked with during my short career, I considered you EASILY one of the best. It was always awesome working with you, and you were always on. You have a talent and natural charisma that I would kill to have.
Now, you may not be able to be the MT Diva that you want(ed?) to be, but at least take a little bit of comfort in knowing that you were REALLY good at something for at least part of your life. A lot of people don't really get even that. I totally understand the not performing thing (I work at Microsoft now, for crying out loud), but just keep trying new things all the time. Not to get too sappy but life's a buffet of learning opportunities.
:)
Sometimes, it takes a lot practice to be good at something. I have a lot of things that I am "ok" at, but I don't have any natural talents (at least that I've discovered yet). But you'll never know if you're good at something if you don't give it a try or teach yourself new things. I'm at a discovery phase of my life, too, so I kind of know how you're feeling right now.
I don't think you give yourself enough credit. We are our own worse critics. You are good at many things. You are a great smiler. You are a great friend. You're really good at blogging and having a positive attitude. I wish that I could be as positive as you.
Sorry...but I think I may know how you feel. Hang in there...you will find your niche!
K. I LOVE this post Amy. I went through this same phase for a while too. I do not like being mediocre either. In fact, I had this conversation with Ross, telling him that I knew the Lord wanted me to learn new things about myself, but I wasn't finding the things that I was "really good" at. Lately, I started to think a few things. One, that perhaps the Lord wanted me to get "really good" at the things of the gospel. Charity, forgiveness, humility, service, etc. (this is for me, I am sure you are already there!) And second, that just having the courage to go through this process means you are good at something. Process is product! The other things is I have just begun to scrape the surface of how much I am liking learning being Michelle!
We need a lunch date!
ok, ditto what Michelle said! I've been going through this since I moved to Manhattan-the career thing wasn't what I thought I wanted-we moved back to UT, then to CA. During this past YEAR, I've felt so confused. What is my mission in life? Please God, tell me so I can do it! (no answer). So I took a good look at myself and decided I didn't like some parts of what I had become, after neglecting myself through school, and working etc. So I read good books, really zeroed in on what I wanted to change and took baby steps. I'm still not an AMAZING performer like you, and I'm not Amazingly good at any other skill, but I like who I am a WHOLE lot better, and its OK that I'm not working in D-land or having a career. Good luck in your quest to discover your life's mission!
Hmm. I'm not really good at anything. And even the stuff I think I'm pretty good at I KNOW other people are better at. Actually, I think that's how it's supposed to be.
Take the Olympics for example. A zillion athletes who are all really good at one particular thing, but the one that wins was only a fraction of a second better in one instant than the others. It's the same thing in auditions, and graphic design, and wifely thingys too.
In other words, you'll always feel this way, it's just that you have more time to think about it right now.
Sell the house, move to San Fran and be Glinda. Or, turn in your card and be adored locally. Neither is a bad choice.
LOVES!
Id just like to say that being 34 days from being labeled a mommy, I feel as though id be okay being a good mommy.... ill aim for really good but there are days already where i wish he were here so i could punish him for making me uncomfortable... Sounds like you are growing and changing Mrs Amy which is a wonderful thing.. love ya
Hey Babe... don't knock mediocre! In spite of everything I have ever tried working at, I think that's all I've ever been! Yes, I'm sure it's an adjustment... but YOU'RE STILL FAB!!!
It's so interesting that you posted this because me and Ty were JUST talking about this yesterday. I think it came up because we were watching the Olympics and were just amazed at the talent these people have. We were talking about how we bet most people in life never really find something they're REALLY good at or a real talent they have. That includes me, I've tried lots of things in life and I'm pretty average at a lot of things, maybe good at a lot of things, but not GREAT. I think I do a good job at work, I know I'm a good mom, but I've really never found a real talent that I have. I think you should consider yourself very lucky that you were able to find that in your life! Also, there's a stage in life for everything. Those Olympians won't be doing this stuff forever! Move on to the next stage (I'm not saying you have to get pregnant) and you are going to love it too for completely different reasons.
Your a really good friend! And you are going to be an awesome mommy! Sorry, but I had to say it! Oh, and you are a wonderful sister to your sister too!! LOVE YOU!!!
I get it. I really, really get it. And just so you know...I can think of a host of things you are REALLY GOOD at. And a lot of them don't have anything to do with musical theater. You are AMYZING!! :)
"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others." --Martha Graham
Post a Comment