I'm in a bit of a reflective mood today. My event is wrapping up, and I've had a day to run, reflect, and ponder my lil life.
It may come as a shock to many of you, and to others it won't be a surprise at all, but I am a painfully SHY person. Big social settings stress me out, I find it hard to carry on conversations with people I don't know well, and I would rather hang out with a group of close friends that can't get me to shut up. In this way, I'm a big nerd. It's OK. I've lived with it my whole life. I'm used to it.
That doesn't mean that I don't strive to change it. Sadly, I'm pretty bad at "putting myself out on a limb" and getting outside my comfort zone- but I do TRY.
Then one day a curious thing happened: I came out of my shell. THEN they couldn't get me to shut up and would say things like, "Remember when you didn't talk???" Ha. Good memories. I always did have quite a bit of social anxiety with the Americans and Aussies that I worked with- but I came to a point where I was totally myself with the local Chinese and Filipinos. Explain THAT one... ????
The process repeated itself, though not AS stressfully, when I moved to Orlando and performed in Beauty and the Beast. I didn't fit in with the girls- there were three subjects I could contribute to in conversation (pets, American Idol, and ... I forget the other one..) But eventually, happy-hyper-funny-crazy Amy appeared. It became a game of mine to pull out something witty and brilliant so that all the girls in "The Bat Cave" would stare at me in amazement. "SHE CAN BE FUNNY!" Yes. And I'm quite good at it. :-)
I worked special events where the process started all over again- but because of the short duration, I never had time to really be myself in those situations. Bah.
Some folks chalk it up to me being "The Mormon Girl." And for that, I am sad. I feel terrible that I could leave that impression of my Church upon people. It has nothing to do with the Mormons, folks, I'm just SHY.
Most folks chalk it up to me being "stuck up" and "cocky." Not the case. I'm just SHY.
... I'm just shy. Everything else in my life is pretty darn near perfect, but THAT is my challenge.
Guess I have a lifetime to figure it out...
Sooner than later would be nice.
7 comments:
I totally understand what you are saying...because I am the same way. When meeting new people I am very SHY as well...making it hard for them to get to know the wild-and-crazy-me side of things. But, good for you for working on it! (Now I should follow your example and go do the same...)
Love you. That's all.
Did you know that I sometimes have to FORCE myself to say Hi to people that I know and really really like? I always feel like they don't think I'm cool enough for them (and in actuallity I'm probably not).
Just wanted to join in and tell you that you are SO not alone. I'm glad that someone else feels the same way I do. I'm exceptionally talkative with people I know well, but other people don't believe that I can talk at all....
My dear, I AM THE EXACT SAME WAY. I think for some of us in the performing world, the pull of the stage is the NEED to connect to other human beings, but the difficulty trying to do so in other contexts. Playmill Liz or jazz combo singer Liz is still genuine, because it's some aspect of my personality, and I kind of have the lights to separate me. Get me one on one with someone, and I am the WORST at small talk! I get so...quiet. We shall overcome, someday, I guess. Thanks for sharing these thoughts today...it's helpful to know others struggle too, and that it can be overcome eventually. You're one of the coolest people I know.
Amy, I've decided we're almost the same person just 10 years about.... hahaha wow... yeah.. cough... :)
ME TOO!!! And Lexie inherited it--her teacher thinks she's a selective mute. Not even kidding, but funny. In fact, I must be a selective mute too. Ha ha ha.
Actually, have you ever felt paralyzing shyness, where you want to talk or know you should, but just. can't. do. it? It happened to me at a baby shower our Ogden ward did for me before I had Lex. It was so awful. Luckily I talked enough--I hope--to not offend anyone.
That's a downside to inviting people you don't know to your shower. Don't ask me how I managed to do THAT. I'm a selectively mute dork.
Amy, I just love you. I feel like this too, in fact, I think it's getting worse. I notice it a lot at work. They've taken all the people that I finally got comfortable talking to and put them in different departments and on different break schedules. So here I am again. I don't mind sitting alone at lunch, really. I just hope all of the other people don't think it's because I'm stuck up or don't want to talk to them just because we don't speak the same language. Even my possibly-soon-to-be-maybe-father-in-law has commented on my lack of talking. Ugh. People are scary. :)
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