A Time and Season For Everything

I've been thinking a lot lately about doing a show. The Hale in Orem is doing "South Pacific", and they'd work with my Equity membership. It sounds appealing and gloriously wonderful . . . 

And then the other night, as I sat in the rocking chair with Davis asleep on my chest, I thought about, if I did a show, how many nights like this I would miss out on. I am realizing, more than ever, how quickly time flies. I am understanding how quickly this sweet little son of mine will grow up and be gone. How in the world could I ever think about leaving him to go off and play someone else? I am grateful for this perspective that I've gained in the last few days. I feel like I now, to some degree, "get it." And as much as I long for the stage and the costumes and hair and makeup, I could never live with myself if I chose that over being home with this little baby while he is so small. I get tired and frustrated with him. I feel like I don't really have time to do what I WANT or NEED to do - but gosh- this little guy is my world and I can't bear the thought of him growing up and becoming a full functioning adult. Of course I WANT that, and I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to help him become that functioning man, but oh, it hurts my heart already. I feel that in years to come I will feel homesick for what my life is right now - sleep deprived and frustrating as it may be. 

I am so grateful to be where I am right now. I hope to always be grateful for the moments I am currently in. I feel that we're always yearning for the next thing - the "whens" of our lives - and I don't want to do that. I want to enjoy the here and now and soak it all in. Because in a short few years I will look back on my life and want to feel that I enjoyed each little piece of my "seasons." The past few days, as I've pondered all of this theatre/babies stuff, I have been reminded that there is a time and season for everything. My twenties were an INCREDIBLE part of my life. I was so blessed to have been able to perform to my hearts content, go to college, live in Hong Kong, and work professionally. I LOVE that about my life. 

Turning thirty hit me a bit hard because I know that in my heart I realized how different my thirties would be from what my twenties were. My twenties were about me. My thirties are about my babies and my husband and serving them. It's quite the change of pace, but one that I welcome gladly. I don't do well in the self-serving world of theatre. Never have. I'm a fish out of water. I'm not so great in the mother/wife/service area yet, but I am learning, and I plan to someday be great at it. 

I don't know that I'll ever get to the point of going to a musical and not wishing it were me on that stage. It's a HUGE part of who I am. It was everything I did in my twenties. It was a great "season" in my life. But just like I always look forward to the changing of the seasons here in Utah, I welcome this new season of my life gladly, now that I am in the midst of it. It's a bit hard, but that's good, right?

Ugh. Now that face is tear stained and I'm all weepy, I should move on with my day. I turn 31 in a couple of days. That's a bit crazy for me to think about. I'll be "in my thirties." Sheesh.